July 15, 2009

I don't know why.

Biologically, I am a parent. I gave birth to an offspring, nurtured my offspring; etc. etc. etc. But I don't feel like a mom. I feel like Molly is a pet or something. I constantly find myself feeling awkward when I rush to her side & say, "Mommy's here! It's okay!" ..mommy is here?! me?! a MOM?!

I guess it wouldn't be so weird if I changed who I was. Inside, I still feel as if I'm a little kid.

For example:

Today when Steve & I went grocery shopping, we had to do separate shopping in order to make our visit to wal-mart a brief one. For some reason, I felt like men were scrutinizing me like they were wondering whether or not to kidnap me. My mom put all these crazy thoughts into my head as a kid when I took off by myself....I guess it's just a habit of thinking. But kidnap? as in ..kidnap? a kid?! I'm a sophmore in college, I have a 2 month old, I'm married, all grown up....I don't know why this thought occured to me.

I couldn't help but wonder if my mom ever felt so helpless sometimes.

--Or when I go to get gas, my biggest fear. I suck at getting gas. I hold the trigger with my 2 fingers & turn towards the pump incase my car catches on fire & I have to bolt. I find myself pleading with the gas pump to pump gas faster so I don't have to stand there anymore....just watching the numbers increase faster & faster hoping that nothing crazy happens. It never does of course. The worst luck I've had at a gas station is my card being declined, or getting my fingers pinched in the trigger...or sometimes out of anxious-ness, I forget to close the gas tank. Which happens a few times a year sadly.

I'm also deathly afraid of trains. & thunderstorms. & being alone in the dark. I get panic attacks all the time because I can't calm myself down. I'm scared of bugs. All of those stupid cliche little things that everyone is somewhat scared of frightens me to no avail.

I thought moms weren't afraid of anything....

When I visited in New York, I found myself doing backhandsprings on the trampoline again, playing bulldog, torturing Errick, instantly turning into a wimp in the presence of my mom.....Everything I used to do before Molly was even a thought. I found myself loudly telling potty jokes in a restaurant..grating on my mom's nerves as usual of course. I found myself laughing until I busted a rib with Mj like we always do.....

It's like nothing ever changed. But it did.

Maybe moms just put up a front in front of their kids. I mean...nobody is perfect. I read a story once about a plane that almost crashed. --I forgot where I read it. But the lady who wrote the story was on board with her 7 year old daughter. There was tons of turbulence on a red eye flight, & the plane started violently descending. The daughter woke up & asked, "What's happening? Are we going to be okay?" & the mom said, "Yes, don't worry. Just go back to sleep." Even though she was scared beyond shitless & she didn't even know if they were going to make it out okay. If that was me I would be like, "HELL NO! We're going to crash!" I wouldn't even think to lie! I would be too worried & to scared to think of something comforting like that to say!

Idk. Maybe I just don't feel like a mom because my personality, morals, & my values haven't come into play yet. All I do is feed, bathe, change, & soothe Molly. I don't have a normal conversation with her. I don't make up rules for her. I don't tell her what's wrong & what's right. & all she thinks about is her next meal. She doesn't care about anything yet. She doesn't ask me crazy questions & expect a legitimate answer. She doesn't care if the tv is on or off. She doesn't care if we walk past a playground. She doesn't care if I eat junk food for breakfast lunch & dinner...She's just a baby. & a really content one at that. I feel like it's too easy. Something is going to happen.

--Anyway, enough of my word vomit. Time for an update I guess?

My trip back to New York was really good. I saw Lindsay & Brandon finally! I didn't get around to seeing all the people I wanted to, but that's only cause my cell phone kicked the bucket towards the end of my trip. I'm getting it fixed soon though.

I talked to a Corning representative last week about transferring. Good news: all of my credits transfer! All of them! So I'm not moving back next month. Thank God. The even better news? All the remaining classes I need besides nursing 1 I can take online. So I don't even have to find daycare! I can't start nursing I until next fall anyway. & there's no waiting list. So everything is all set. I just have to talk to a counselor here & find out what I have to do to transfer, fill out an application to Corning, make out my schedule, & I'll be all set. I'm not looking forward to it one bit, but. I absolutely have to do it. I can't stay in California, even though I really want to.

Julie's wedding was amazing. She looked so beautiful & happy. I kept telling her I was going to make her cry before I left, but she held up pretty good. 30 minutes before the wedding started, I busted into her dressing room to get an update on everything, (I was her organist!) so I needed to be in the loop. Before I left, I gave her a hug & said, "Bye Julie Hall! I'll miss you!" & then I pasted a fake grin across my face trying not to cry myself & said, "Did I get you?!!!" & she said, "nope. you're not going to get me today!" At the reception, I gave her another hug & said, "Hi Julie Cady!!!" ...still nothing. However before I left the reception, me & Molly gave her a hug & said, "Bye Julie Cady! See you in 7 months!" --& SHE CRIED! I had a devious smile on my face, & she started laughing. The last thing I said to her was, "I told you I would get you!"

My mom pointed out that ever since I moved to California, I have a sick obsession with trying to make everyone cry. Everyone just worships me now; I can't help it! I made my mom cry 13 times that whole trip without even trying! 13 times!!! I played her favorite song on the piano, & she locked herself in the bathroom..which I really got a kick out of. When she came out, me & mj just pointed & laughed. All she had to say was, "You better play that song at my funeral, & all 4 of you better be standing over my casket crying! I'll make sure of it!" ...It was pretty funny. The rest of the times were pretty standard stuff...coming downstairs with Molly in the morning, laughing with Mj, seeing Lil for the first time...yeah, my mom is a softy. All of these events sparked the waterworks. At the airport, my mom told me I wasn't going to get her to cry. It took alot of thinking, but before I left I said, "This is your last 18 year old hug from me!" ...Yep, that got her going. hahahaha. I asked her if she put Molly's bottle in her diaper bag right before I was about to board & she said, "No! I forgot it!" I could've killed her at that second! I started dialing the house to see if there was a sliver of hope that someone, anyone could bring it to me! & then she said, "I'm just kidding! You live to make me cry, & I live to scare you." She reaches into her purse & pulls out Molly's bottle. She was planning this...

So that was the basis of my trip. I had a great time. Steve did too. He was so happy the whole time. I can't wait for 2 years to go by so he's happy again.

Anyway, I'm pooped. I have a visit from the health department lady tomorrow, & my house needs to be picked up! I might have to wake up early to clean! shit!

l8r alligators.