Long time, no blog. Well, as promised, here we go.
So my week has gone up & downhill since I took my tests. I've been excited one day, & scared completely shitless the next. I guess I should catch up on what has happened this week even though I don't feel like blogging one bit right now. But I have to by popular demand! (actually by..Tammy demand...hahaha.)
So after I gave Steve the little gift, he brought it back to me, dumped the contents on my lap, & said, "We're not ready..." & the huge smile I had on my face was completely wiped off after that. Steve moped around for a little while I prepared to go to battle with him. So I came out to the living room & said, "It's a little late for that. Maybe you should've thought of that BEFORE you had unprotected sex!" & then he was going on & on about how the whole thing was my fault, & I told him I don't care one way or the other if we're pregnant, so I wasn't about to go on birth control & have it fuck my shit up again. If he was so hellbent on not having kids, he should've forced me to deal with condoms or pull out or something. butttt nope. nothing.
So after all of this arguing about who's fault it is, he demanded I get an abortion right away & take care of this so he wouldn't have to deal with it. He said he's not ready to grow up & take responsibility. & this pissed me the fuck off for several reasons.
1) You don't say that to your pregnant WIFE for crying out loud. He is the last person in the world I thought would do this to me.
2) I became a mother the SECOND I got that positive pregnancy test. My first instinct is to protect my little lentil bean no matter what. & I even offered to go back to New York so he could get his shit together & become a father when he's ready.
3) He should've told me this BEFORE we had un-protected sex. fghjkl;gkg;jdsfkgl;sdfjgfsd.
4) Abortion is not an option for me. I don't care how not ready Steve is, his child still has a right to live & make something of itself as much as he doesn't care about it.
So Steve has been on my invisible shit list for the past week. We haven't talked about the baby, or the pregnancy, or the future, or anything at all. If I bring up the subject, he breaks down. He hates talking about it & thinking about it. So from here on out I have no idea what the fuck to do. Thank God I have absolutely amazing friends out here like April Nicole & Jesse. Otherwise I would be all by myself. Also, going back home is not an option. I don't want to be dependent on my Mother ever again. She has enough to deal with, & I'm sure she doesn't want me & a new baby around bugging her for everything.
I'm pretty sure this is going to be the most miserable pregnancy in the history of forever. If Steve was happy about it, I would be ten thousand times happier about it. I just hope things get better. It could be my hormones though. Everytime I get thinking about how Steve reacted to everything I find reasons to get pissed off at him to get him back. fuckkk I go completely insane. It's like I'm on permanent pms. hahahaha.
--Oh, & by the way, I had my first doctor's appointment yesterday. I got a blood test to confirm the pregnancy & yes, I really am pregnant. I have to make another appointment to get an ultrasound & stuff sometime next week. & the sesame seed is now a lentil bean this week. It has a heartbeat now! I'll keep you updated on everything else. I'll write next week sometime.
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